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iwish42

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[02 Jun 2006|11:08am]
[ mood | calm ]

the stench of failure is all around me
and all I can do is train myself not to smell.

If any of you had any idea of how pathetic my existance has been. It's just not fair. I work so hard to have my life make sense. I got completely and utterly fucked over b/c I thought maybe just maybe we could all just be friends. I could maybe trust my friends. I hate some people. And how they've used me. But, I guess that's on them. That shame is for them to carry, not me. I refuse to live life by some set of pre-determined rules. I'm gonna go through life calm, relaxed, and happy, and I am going to be kind to people and have interesting conversation and not let stupid, vain, ignorants tell me what I am "supposed" to be. It makes me literally throw up when I think of how my existance was raped. How can people be so utterly thoughtless? But, it's time to move on I can't let yesterday affect today and I won't any more.

It's all about making the decision: I am not going to make myself suffer any more. I'm going to start being nice myself, and allowing myself to have fun and branch out. I'm done suffering. I don't want to do this any more.

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[21 May 2006|06:25pm]
[ mood | determined ]

I have officially ruined every single relationship I have ever had.

Can any of you say that?

Every single solitary relationship I have had with another human being has been completely trampled on by me.

I'm a piece of shit.



What's there left to say?
Fuck off.

I want my power back.

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[17 May 2006|04:03pm]
I have been questioning everyone around me for so long that I've forgotton who I am.
The reason you all thought I was being condescending was b/c I wasn't a person. You don't understand.
I was talking to you the way I was b/c I had no self esteem. I'm not a person. But I will be.
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[10 May 2006|03:35pm]
I guess it's pretty obvious I got really caught up in that "you are what you are perceived to be" notion. I was completely burnt out on trying o make myself perfect, but I suppose we all do that in a way.

Every day it's gets a little easier and a little better
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[10 May 2006|09:51am]
How much shame can one person feel?
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ain't that the way they say it goes? [05 May 2006|02:04pm]
What a journey

I have had every type of perception there is. And let me tell you: I don't know.

I'm feeling really really good for the first time in a while.

My therapist said something that really got through to me:
It's a full time job keeping yourself sad all the time, isn't it Katy?

Who is the real Katy?

I've been like this acting stupid on purpose and pushing everyone in my life away, surrounding myself with people who hate me. Being rude for no reason whatsoever. I want to be unhappy. Because I thought (still think) I don't deserve happiness. I was a shitty, neglectful daughter and then he died. But, I can't keep making my ife a living hell. I have to forgive myself and move on. He's dead, and that isn't my fault. And it wasn't my fault my mom left him. and it wasn;t my fault he was depressed. It's his fault for fucking me up. I don't have to keep shoving everything so deep inside of me. When I walked around pretending like I didn't care and you all thought I was so stupid. You had no idea how fragile I was. One time some one told me I should buy some pants that fit me and I went in the bathroom and cried. I cried all the time. I wanted everyone to think I was tough, that I didn't care. And that just made you all meaner. So the "tougher" I got. Until I became an idiot. I became an empty vessel. Literally. I just walked around pretending to be like whoever I was hanging out with, with out really realizing what I was doing. I learned not to think about things beause that's what hurts. Until I met Melissa McDonald and she completely showed me what I was. In the worst way possible, and I fell into such a lull that it was too painful for me to live in reality. So I stopped. I just stopped. I said "Fuck you world, I'm not going to live in you any more.. I'm going to live in my head." And then people REALLY didn't know what to think about me.

All of this is exagerated.. but it's the only way I can explain.
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[03 May 2006|11:44am]
The Ultimate Time
The Year After you graduate High School.

The year where you find out what a piece of shit you are. I'm so sick and tired of being treated like shit, but when you act like shit I guess that's what you get. I want so badly to be the person they want me to be, but I can't. I'm a broken girl that spends 80% of her life wishing she wasn't alive.

The Diary of a crazy person.
How crazy can one 18 year old girl be?
My wonderful and patient boyfriend. And I call him crying about my ex? I wasn't like Brian's ex-girl friend. I have to stop blaming myself. I have to forgive myself and move on otherwise this will never work. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was better. I wish I was stronger. Who cares what these ass holes think about you? Why do you have to put others down? Why does life have to be so stupid? Amelia is not my role model. Melissa definately isn't my role model. I have to be my role model. I want so badly to be the girl he deserves. I want so badly to be the girl that makes you jealous.

I look at highschool as a complete waste.

I was a nutcase that was an asshole to everyone I came across. I accomplished nothing but making sure everyone hated me, and if they didn't hate me they manipulated me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry to Jeff. I'm so sorry to Frank, they don't deserve this. I wish I was more.
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epiphany of a lifetime [26 Apr 2006|03:21pm]
Thanks to an old friend, and weeks of intense thought:

I have been walking around for the past 3 years like I'm superior.
I've been wallowing in severe depression and complete idiocy.
I'm not going to do that any more. I am never ever going to let other people and the worry of their thoughts stop me any more. I'm going to do what I want to do. And spend time with the people I want to spend time with. I'm not going to be unkind to any one.
I am going to keep observing and learning. I will never commit an act to hurt other people.
I won't sit and act solemn any more. I'm going to wake the fuck up to reality and
stop feeling like I'm special just because I was a little brat who's father died.
I'm not special because of the thing that happened to me. And I am going to wake the FUCK UP!!!!

This is it. This is life.
In the course of a lifetime what does it matter?
We all live and die. I'm not gonna waste my time with unimportant bullshit any more.
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[12 Oct 2005|10:39pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I'm a woman now, and I needed to be treated as such. As hard as this whole thing may be I need to do it.
I'm over it.
I don't care.
I have to do what's right for me.

And I don't need little words of encouragement.

2 venereal diseases| spread it

[28 Sep 2005|02:34am]
[ mood | lonely ]

I'm starting to think that I'm not what I thought I was. I'm starting to think I've built certain things up to something they're not and never were. I'm starting to think maybe certain things don't really fucking matter any more. I want to feel special again.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

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I need a plan. [23 Sep 2005|04:08pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Ahhhhh, so I guessed I lied in the last entry but, I miss this thing. I like it bcause everyone I've ever just kinda maybe met doesn't have it and read it and wanna be my "pal". I want the ability to be honest with out fear of prosecution.

I don't think I'm cut out for college. I like to learn but I hate all of the unimportant bull shit assignments that are stressing me out. I have no idea what I'm doing I have NO plan for my life.. there's nothing I want more than a plan, and to be famous of course.

Ugh! I was watching this terrible show, Laguna beach last night and there was this no talent little rich girl who got accepted into SMU, but then decided that she was going to move out to L.A. get an agent and live an apartment and "pursue her acting career". This girl was a singer, and a terrible tone-deaf one at that. She auditioned for her high school's musical her senior year and was cast as the lead, and now she fancies herself an actress. Why can't I be as good as the kids that get accepted to SMU theatre and Julliard? Why can't I be a famous actress? How can the Hillary Duffs and the Lindsay Lohans of the world keep getting ahead and leaving me in the dust? How? I'll tell you how! They have drive, and a plan, and they aren't scared little brats that don't want to leave their sheltered safe comfertable existance. Not to say that I deserve or am I any near good enough of an actress to be famous in any sense of the world... Hell, I couldn't even be the best in my high school, how am I supposed to be the best in college or in L.A. or New York? I hate this.

I want a plan.

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[17 Jun 2005|03:23am]
[ mood | ditzy ]

Depression is kicking again lately, so that's why I am on live journal.

My grandma is dead. She died last Saturday.

My self esteem seems to me low again lately as well.

I feel like everyone surround me is just laughing at me everytime I leave the room. They roll their eyes at things i say and so forth. Maybe it's just silly drunk babble, but I don't know. Sometimes I think that the only reason any one puts up with me at all is just because I am Jeff's girlfriend. But who cares. Honestly none of these people mean that much to me, just as I don't to them. Which would mean they wouldn't even care enough to make fun of me. I'm just dramatic. I need to start takin that pill again. At least for a little while.

I have a job. and I enjoy it.

Everything is okay with Jeff right now, we're at a pretty good place.

I have an awesome best friend.

A very cool, down to earth mom.

A few other friends that I don't suspect shit talk from. Life isn't as bad as I'm sure it seems from most entries in this thing.

Sinse summer has started up I will probably be using this thing a little more.

1 venereal disease| spread it

[20 Mar 2005|08:37pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

So..

Spring break has just ended. I spent the entire week at Jeff's. With my mother's consent. Wierd, huh? It was alright. Nothing amazing. Just like one long weekend. It was anice eye opener though... I don't want me life after highschool to be like one long giant weekend with no responsibilities. I hate those people. It's pathetic. Lately JEff's brother has been a big douche bag, and Ivy frustrates me quite a bit.. and of couse Bohn is always there to make you feel like an ass hole. So I am officially very glad I don't live at that residence. ..But, I do like Ivy a lot.. I don't know why she drives me nuts. I think it might be that she reminds me so much of Casey Carpenter.... that's the same reason I can't watch 'My So Called Life'. ..That, and it blows. Big time.

The-N is really sheisty with Degrassi episodes a "season" to them is four episodes. I hate tht. B/c I love that show.


Well... The house is officially *tiled*. My room is rearranges slightly.. it seems bigger, and I little more relaxed. Fang Shway (sp?), man.

::sigh::
I guess that's it for now. IT was good talking to you man.

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[14 Mar 2005|03:38pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I feel like we've made a mistake, all I feel is regret, and emptiness.

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gettin over it [03 Mar 2005|09:32pm]
[ mood | full ]

It's truly funny.

Four years ago I would have never ever guessed that in the future I would be so jealous and have my self esteem so bruised by Natasha freaking Hall. That's actually kinda funny to me at the moment.

Don't get me wrong.. I am actually doing pretty well lately. Seussical is finally over. MadWoman is about to start, and I am on the road to graduation town. 12 weeks more. That's nothing. I will be fine. And soon it will all be over. It will all have been a dream. Damn.. it's true these years really and truly do go by in a blur. It's insane. Oh well.....


Love, Katy.

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[02 Feb 2005|10:32pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

This is the first time I've sagged into this much depression in a long time. I just wish there was a magic drug that would make everyone who causes/has ever caused me pain just dissapear from my aching mind. I would forget all about all of the awful stuff. I would have no idea my life sucks so very hard.

My broken heart list.
Natasha Hall
Bruce Coleman

Everyone is Seussical is so stuck up.


I hate what these people have done to me. I am a mean, sad, very very very bitchy, worthless feeling little girl. I hate them for how they make me feel. I am fucking talnted, goddammit, and I REFUSE to let them make me feel otherwise. I will not give up. Natasha will get out with no Mr. Coleman and find her place. I just want to die sometimes. I cry fairly regularly. I just can't go on for very much longer. Just two more weeks of Seussical. Just two more months or whoever til Madwoman is over. Five more months of highschool. I will survive. I hate that my senior year has to be so .........shitty.


I hate me.

2 venereal diseases| spread it

[30 Jan 2005|11:10pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

I took this from Amelia, and some of the things she said held so true to me I just kept them.

What does your name mean? Pure, virginal. My middle name means "From the Sea", which of you know my mother seems like more than coincidence.
How old are you? 17
How old are you mentally (as in are you mature?)? It depends... in some areas of my life I'm 146, and in others I'm 8.
Describe yourself in 5 words: sarcastic, intelligent, bitchy, coy, and listless.
What are your worst qualities: My laziness, my quickness to jump to anger, my inability to wake up, and my annoyingness.
What are your best qualities: sense of humor, my taste in clothes/music/movies/etc, and my strong sense of friendship and loyalty.
How long does it take you get get ready in the morning: About 15 minutes w/o shower; 45 with.

~SLEEP~
Do you dream at night? Most definately, we all do.
Do you remember your dreams? Usually.
Describe one: My most memorable and non-depressing one is the very detailed nightmare where I am protecting myself from John Ritter, who is trying to murder me.
What time do you go to bed usually? Schoolnights: 11:30-12:00; Weekends: Whenever.
What time do you wake up normally? 8:15 on schooldays.
What time do you wake on weekends? Whenever.
Do you find waking late nice or annoying? Both.
do you sleep with one pillow or two? One.

~SCHOOL~
Did you like school? Some aspects of it.
Why/why not? I have a love/hate relationship with my theatre class... which is all school is for me really. I don't mind any of my academics courses.
Whats was ur fave subject? Theatre... until recently, now it would have to be Advanced Health.. (even though I'm not in it yet.. just the idea of it is awesome... I will be in it next week)
Most hated subject? Theatre at the moment.. but other than that.... No, no, theatre is it.
Did you have a fave teacher? Mrs. Patton. Hands down.
Ever had a crush ona teacher? I had a sex dream about my history teacher last year, he was pretty hott... and looked at me for a little too long. I blush just thinking about him.
Were you a maths/science person or an english/drama person? I'm a math/english/drama person.

~FRIENDS~
Do you have heaps of friends? No.
Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends? Probably girls... I have more male friends, but I consider all of my girlfriends just plain better friends... boys are too apathetic.
Do you ever get annoyed at any friend? God, yes.
Have you ever lied to a friend? Who hasn't?
Have you ever stolen a friends boyfriend/girlfriend? No. That's FUCKED UP.

~FAMILY~
Do you like your parents? Yes. My mother is my angel.
Ever run away from home? Never.
Ever thought about it? Why would I ever do that? I'm spoiled and loved. I'm on easy street.. Hell, I don't think I'm ever gonna even move out.
Do you have any siblings? I do.
If so, do you like or get annoyed with them? Hell yes.
How old are they? 24.
Do you feel your parents spoil you? Oh my yes.
Do you not get along with any of your family? No, I like 'em all.
Do you have big family get togethers ever? No... I really don't have much family... so if we have "get togethers" they ain't "big".

~Sex~
Ever had sex? Once, kinda.
believe that a person shouldnt have sex before marriage? I think you should truly have feelings for whomever you sleep with. But, I definately believe you SHOULD have sex before marriage, b/c you don't want to be married to some one with some fucked up sexual habits.
Believe in casual sex? No.
When do you plan/when did you lose your virginity? I kinda lost it at 15. But I don't plan to try it again for another year.
Did you regret it? ........

~Religion~
Do you have a religion? Not one with a formal name.
Do you practice it i.e go to church? Okay this question kinda pisses me off (see bad traits above).. Yes, I practice my religion.. No, I don't go to church.
Do you believe in God? Or something.
Jesus? Yes.
Satan? Or something.
Heaven? I believe so.
Hell? I'm not sure.
If you died tomorrow what do you believe will happen to you? I'm not quite sure. But I do believe in an after life of some sort.

~Morals~
Have you ever been drunk? Well, I don't live under a rock.
taken drugs? Yes
stolen? No, I don't believe so. I'm pretty against that.
shoplifted? Yes, when I was young and stupid.
tried to commit suicide? No.
Lied to a boyfriend or girlfriend? Yes.
gotten into a fight? Yes.
are you more innocent or guilty? What?
Would you date a drug addict? It depends what drug. Anything but pot and no. And the pot is a maybe.
Are you racist? Hmmm...no, but I'm extremely prejudiced.
Are you discriminatory to anyone? Yes, sadly.
Have you been a hypocrite in the past? Of course.
Do you have an open or closed mind to other peoples beliefs and feelings? Who's going to admit they're closed-minded? That's the point in being closed-minded; you don't know you're closed-minded because...your mind's closed.

~Media~
Do you watch tons of tv? You could probably say that.
How many times have you been to the movies in the past 6 months? A couple.
Do you listne to the radio often? Talk radio, yes.
Do you read the newspaper? No.
Do you read magazines? Ehh.. sometimes.
Are you a couch potato? Somewhat.
Do you use the internet too much? Yeah.

~Music~
Whats your fave style of music? I'm the defition of eclectic.
Do you play an instrument? No.
Do you sing? I can, but I don't call myself a singer.
Whats your fave band? I dunno...I have alot. The beatles, Bob Marley or the Rev.
Why? B/c they take their music so seriously, and it really is a true form of expression for them, and you see when they play that they truly feel their music in thier viens, and aren't just in it for the pay check.
Name 3 cds that youve bought in that last year: Elliot Smith: Fiqure 8, the Velvet Underground, and ....Primus: frizzle fry.
Why did you buy them? Uhhhh...because I wanted them?

~perosnality~
Are you funny or serious? Always funny...being serious makes me uncomfortable.
Creative or not? Kinda.
Logical thinker or lateral thinker? Both.
Are you outgoing or shy? If I'm somewhere where I know most everyone I'm outgoing. If you get me around a lot of people I don't know I am as shy as can be.
Are you lazy or active? Oh so oh so lazy.
Have you ever been hyperactive? Hahaha...no.
Are you a naturally hyperactive person? Hahahahahaha...no.

~Looks~
Are you happy with the way you look? Somewhat.
What would you change? My body, and my all around shape. I like my face, but I'm just so awkwardly lanky.
Do you wear makeup regularly? Yes.
Do you have a large wardrobe? Yes.





Ugh, I'm depressed.

1 venereal disease| spread it

[30 Dec 2004|04:51am]
[ mood | determined ]

I really really really really don't like Mr. Coleman right now. The favoratism and the nepotism is just getting out of control. I'm sick of it, and I just don't even want to deal with it any more. I'm finally at a point where I am truly ready to get the fuck out of there. i have nothing to look forward to, except maybe the UIL awards. And that's really bad if I'm only in it for awards, I just don't care anymore! Whatever! I'm selfish! and I like it!

Ugh, I am in headache town.


I will not let that little man make me feel bad about myself. No.

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Breaking up is hard to do [24 Dec 2004|03:39am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Tonight, I felt like I was kissing you for the first time and it was an amazing feeling because for the first time in a long time I was sober enough to feel your lips touch mine and I knew you loved me.


I had Christmas tonight! Yay!


YAY!

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[16 Dec 2004|10:59pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Look out everyone, Auntie Mame part III.



Madame Constance, my name was second yet again.

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